A beautiful nightmare

May 27, 2011

 

This entry was written by Jaime Rossano. Jaime was diagnosed with 2B invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. Jaime, an instructor at a play and music facility, is also a college student pursuing a degree in Humanities and Social Science Every other Friday, Jaime will share a blog entry about her breast cancer experience. This year-long blog series is in honor of LBBC’s 20th anniversary.

To read Jaime’s previous entries, enter “Jaime Rossano” in the search box on this site.

I can’t help but wonder what people think when they see me walking outside, in the mall, with Ronnie, or when I’m coming and going from different doctor appointments.  I walk around everyday looking to see another woman wearing a scarf for the sake of connecting with someone going through what I am. I can’t find anyone. I know there are women all over who have a story but I can’t seem to find any. I feel like I am on a search-hunt.  I want to listen to someone else tell me their experience. I want someone who actually understands what I am feeling to just talk, so I don’t have to talk anymore. I just want to hear someone else tell me they feel the pain, anger, exhaustion, disappointment, worry, fear, sadness and frustration that I feel.

 I feel like I am playing a game. I am on medication that is attacking my entire body from head to toe. I’m hoping to have good days in between the really bad days. Some days you feel like a slug, some days you are a burst of energy. You have surgery that makes you feel like a puzzle with a few pieces missing. I hate to say it, but I feel like Frankenstein. You may gain weight or lose weight which depends on where your weight started – this might make you happy or completely miserable. I lost my hair and then it grew back and now I’m losing it again. Dear Hair, make up your mind. My fingernails actually hurt and look so dry and brittle. I feel like all I am doing when I think to myself is complaining in my on mind. 

I have been having a REALLY hard time with my self-esteem lately. I am no longer in my size 10 jeans, I am no longer in my medium shirts, my bras don’t fit and they shift all day, my eye brows are just a mess and I have no eye lashes. I truly feel like Shrek!

 How am I able to feel beautiful?

 How am I supposed to feel sexy?

I know this is temporary and the doctors tell me the weight gain is from the steroids and because I am retaining water – but enough is enough. I haven’t weighed this much since I was pregnant with Ronnie and I got a gift from that weight gain.

All everyone tells me is how good I look. Really, are you looking at me? I know that is just the proper thing to say to someone in my situation but I rather you not say anything about how I look.

On a more positive note: I only have one chemotherapy treatment left before I begin radiation.  I’m so excited because after a few days of practicing, Ronnie is now counting to three all by himself.  He is growing before my eyes and I am a very proud mommy.

20th anniversary, LBBC, living beyond breast cancer

We can’t wait until Ronnie starts counting to ten!

To read Jaime’s previous entries, enter “Jaime Rossano” in the search box on this site.

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