This entry was written by Jaime Rossano. Jaime was diagnosed with 2B invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. Jaime, an instructor at a play and music facility, is also a college student pursuing a degree in Humanities and Social Science.  Every other Friday, Jaime will share a blog entry about her breast cancer experience. This year-long blog series is in honor of LBBC’s 20th anniversary.

To read Jaime’s previous entries, enter “Jaime Rossano” in the search box on this site.

I can’t help but wonder what people think when they see me walking outside, in the mall, with Ronnie, or when I’m coming and going from different doctor appointments.  I walk around everyday looking to see another woman wearing a scarf for the sake of connecting with someone going through what I am. I can’t find anyone. I know there are women all over who have a story but I can’t seem to find any. I feel like I am on a search-hunt.  I want to listen to someone else tell me their experience. I want someone who actually understands what I am feeling to just talk, so I don’t have to talk anymore. I just want to hear someone else tell me they feel the pain, anger, exhaustion, disappointment, worry, fear, sadness and frustration that I feel.

 I feel like I am playing a game. I am on medication that is attacking my entire body from head to toe. I’m hoping to have good days in between the really bad days. Some days you feel like a slug, some days you are a burst of energy. You have surgery that makes you feel like a puzzle with a few pieces missing. I hate to say it, but I feel like Frankenstein. You may gain weight or lose weight which depends on where your weight started – this might make you happy or completely miserable. I lost my hair and then it grew back and now I’m losing it again. Dear Hair, make up your mind. My fingernails actually hurt and look so dry and brittle. I feel like all I am doing when I think to myself is complaining in my on mind. 

I have been having a REALLY hard time with my self-esteem lately. I am no longer in my size 10 jeans, I am no longer in my medium shirts, my bras don’t fit and they shift all day, my eye brows are just a mess and I have no eye lashes. I truly feel like Shrek!

 How am I able to feel beautiful?

 How am I supposed to feel sexy?

I know this is temporary and the doctors tell me the weight gain is from the steroids and because I am retaining water – but enough is enough. I haven’t weighed this much since I was pregnant with Ronnie and I got a gift from that weight gain.

All everyone tells me is how good I look. Really, are you looking at me? I know that is just the proper thing to say to someone in my situation but I rather you not say anything about how I look.

On a more positive note: I only have one chemotherapy treatment left before I begin radiation.  I’m so excited because after a few days of practicing, Ronnie is now counting to three all by himself.  He is growing before my eyes and I am a very proud mommy.

We can’t wait until Ronnie starts counting to ten!

To read Jaime’s previous entries, enter “Jaime Rossano” in the search box on this site.