Dating during and after breast cancer

The thought of dating during or after breast cancer diagnosis and treatment can bring up a lot of different feelings. It’s normal to feel excited, curious, anxious, or all of these at the same time!

It’s also normal to feel uncertain about whether, when, and how to tell someone new about a diagnosis — and how to navigate intimacy if things progress.

These are very common concerns. Below, we’ll share tips for taking care of your emotional and sexual well-being, telling a date about your diagnosis, and ways to meet people.

Body image and dating

Breast cancer therapies can affect your body image — how you think and feel about your body.

Surgery and treatment side effects such as hair loss, weight gain, or fertility issues can impact a person’s confidence and enthusiasm for dating.

If you aren’t sure how you feel about dating, or you want to try dating but are worried about it, there are things you can do to support yourself:

• Talk with your care team about ways to ease side effects and recover from treatments, especially if they are the kinds of side effects that you think could affect your relationship. These may include sexual side effects.
• Take care of yourself with comforts such as skin lotions, a new hairstyle or head covering, or makeup. Visit Look Good, Feel Better to find online and in-person workshops on skincare, makeup, nail care, hair care, and head coverings for people diagnosed with cancer.
• Get to know how your body looks and feels now. See if you can look at your body in the mirror while wearing clothes. Then, try looking at yourself in your underwear, and later, without clothes. It can take time to get used to treatment-related changes. Avoid comparing your body to other people’s bodies, or your body before the cancer.
• Consider ways you have become stronger since diagnosis.
• Reconnect with your body through exercise. Walking, dancing, strength training, yoga, and other forms of exercise can help improve body image.
• Get a massage or take a warm bath.
• Wear clothing that makes you feel good.

Emotional support

Some people are genuinely excited to try dating after cancer. But for others, the thought of dating can feel overwhelming.

For example:

• If your treatment included mastectomy, the idea of dating can bring up feelings of grief after losing a breast and concerns about how to handle telling a new partner about how treatment may have affected your body. This can include changes in the appearance of breasts and/or nipples.
• If you have anxiety or depression, these can magnify negative thoughts about dating.
• Treatment-related fatigue can make it hard to gather the energy for meeting someone new.

Here are some things you can do:

• If you no longer have breasts or if you have reconstructed breasts that look different than a new partner might expect, allow any feelings of loss to come up and just be there. For many people, these feelings shift and change over time. Coming through a significant loss is complicated — there can be gratitude and grief at the same time. Allow yourself the space you need.
• Recognize that the uncertainty of dating is stressful for everyone. A potential new partner may have worries about sharing experiences with you, too.
• Remember that potential dates or partners also have health issues and histories, and all bodies look different. Lots of people have had changes in their bodies due to medical conditions or for other reasons — in both appearance and body function.
• Look for opportunities to meet people in low-pressure social settings, such as at a trusted friend’s party or a community event.
• Join a breast cancer support group to meet others with similar experiences. It is likely that others have experienced these issues, and some people in your group may have helpful tips. Even just talking with others who have experienced breast cancer can help you feel less alone.
• If you need extra support, ask your care team for a referral to see an oncology social worker, psychologist, or counselor. A mental health professional might also be able to help you troubleshoot ideas for talking with a new partner about the changes in your body and potentially starting an intimate relationship. Learn more about seeing a mental health professional.
• Take small steps. Avoid pressuring yourself to “get back out there.” It’s okay to put dating on the back burner or to not pursue it at all. Focus on how you feel today and give yourself time.

Addressing sexual side effects

Breast cancer treatment often impacts sexuality. Surgery, chemotherapy, and other treatments can cause sexual side effects including chest numbness, decreased sexual desire, vaginal dryness, and discomfort during sex.

There are many things you can do to address sex and intimacy issues. Still, it’s normal to have concerns about dating. A few tips:

• Give dating relationships time to develop before becoming sexually intimate.
• Use touching and cuddling to build your sexual comfort level.
• Get reacquainted with your sexual self. Explore your body to find out what feels good now. Once there is a new partner, let them know what feels good to you. This can help ensure a satisfying experience, and your partner will also appreciate the heads-up.
• If treatment has affected your sexual function and responsiveness, let your care team know. There are many ways to address treatment-related sexual side effects so you can have a satisfying sex life.

Visit Sexual side effects and Sex and intimacy to learn more.

Talking about breast cancer with potential partners

For many people who’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer, the greatest worry is how a date will react to hearing about your experience and seeing any physical changes caused by treatment. Here are some things you can do:

• Recognize that each situation will be different depending on who you’re dating and how you feel.
• There’s no rush to tell everything about your life right away, including your diagnosis! Sharing very personal information when you’re new to each other might make you both uncomfortable.
• There’s no “right time,” but many people wait a few dates to see how they feel about the other person.
• Trust your judgment about when it feels right to you. Try to have the conversation before you’re about to become sexually intimate.
• Choose a neutral place and a relaxed time to talk, where you both feel at ease.
• Say as much or as little as you want. There’s no right way to handle it — just what feels right for you.
• Some people create one sentence to explain their diagnosis. You may decide to add a bit about treatment you had or are having. Consider talking about how you feel now.
• Practice what you want to say in front of a mirror or with a friend.
• You may find that you feel like talking more about it, at the time you first mention it or later. Both of you might want to talk about health issues.
• If sexual intimacy seems likely, you may want to mention any sexual side effects or how you feel about having scars, breasts, or other areas touched.

What if someone isn’t interested after you share your diagnosis?

It can be upsetting if a person you’re dating is not interested in taking things further after hearing about your diagnosis and treatment.

There can be many reasons for this, and none of them are a reflection on you. That person may be unable to handle the information for reasons beyond your control.

If a person is intent on ending the relationship, this person was not the right one for you. You deserve better. It is normal to be disappointed, but a rejection does not predict what will happen with future dating partners.

Talking with other people who’ve been through a breast cancer diagnosis can offer extra support. Many of them are dating or thinking about dating, too. Learn more about finding breast cancer support groups.

How to meet new people

So you want to date, but don’t know how to begin? Here are some tips:

• Tell close acquaintances that you want to start dating. Ask if they know anyone who might be a good match.
• Look for someone who could be a friend first.
• Online dating or friendship sites can be a resource. On regular dating sites, consider keeping your diagnosis private until you’ve gotten to know your date. Sites such as CancerMatch connect people with health conditions, and it can be easier to share your diagnosis sooner.
• Join a group focused on activities that you enjoy, where you may find people with similar interests. Look for a class, book club, or an art, music, or sports program you find interesting. You can also visit sites such as MeetUp to check out different group events in your area.
• Look for volunteer opportunities. This is a great way to meet new people.