Parenting 5 different kids through breast cancer: No one size fits all

She was 34. Her five children were 3, 5, 9, 10, and 14. A 16-year-old exchange student was also living with them during that period. As they began processing the news themselves, Angel and her husband also had to figure out how and when to tell the children. 

“No two kids responded the same way,” Angel says. “And that was something I had to learn to accept, to support them through, and not take personally.” 

One-by-one, meeting each child’s needs

Her oldest son, 14 at the time, needed information for reassurance. “He wanted to know the facts, and once he had that information, he was calm. He trusted us to take care of it.” He stepped in as a caretaker, too. Because the family didn’t have childcare nearby, they asked if he’d be willing to let go of his part-time job to help out at home. “We said, if you’re going to have to babysit, we are going to pay you as if you’re a babysitter,” Angel explains. “You could otherwise be doing other things.” He tracked his hours and was paid for the time he spent watching his younger siblings and helping with schoolwork and chores. His parents made sure he could still attend cross-country practices and other scheduled commitments, but social time was sometimes weighed against the needs at home. “He had to choose: Am I going to be there at home helping out, or am I going to say I can’t be there because I want to go and play basketball or something?” Angel says. “We tried not to pressure him, but it definitely impacted him.” 

One preteen child needed space. He was already grieving the loss of his pet rabbit when Angel was diagnosed. Says Angel, “He just couldn’t handle the reminders of illness. If I came home from chemo with a hospital bracelet, I’d take it off in the car so he wouldn’t see it. If I mentioned I didn’t feel well, he’d leave the room.” Sometimes that hurt. “But my husband and I realized that seeing me sick was just too hard for him.” Angel and her husband arranged for therapy to support him. 

Meanwhile, another child was fascinated by the science of it all. “He wanted to see pictures of my port. I would always say, ‘This is the medicine that’s making me healthier.’ And so, he thought that was so cool.” To this day, he wants pictures of her at the lab after her blood is drawn. For him, understanding the healing process is reassuring. 

Cancer quickly became part of ordinary life for the youngest children. At preschool pickup one day, a classmate mistook Angel as a “dad” because she had no hair. On the way out, her daughter shrugged the experience off. “Maybe their mommy doesn’t have cancer yet.” For her daughter, having a parent in treatment felt normal.  

As they were having these conversations with their children, Angel and her husband also spoke with their 16-year-old exchange student. “We wanted to make sure that he knew what was going on,” Angel says. “And we also needed to give him the option of whether he wanted to stay with us during treatment or switch to another host family.” He chose to stay. As he had lost a family member to breast cancer, Angel and her husband reassured him and kept him informed throughout her treatment. “He was definitely concerned in the beginning,” she recalls. “He wanted to know what was happening and what we were going to be doing.” (Even now, they stay in touch, and last year, they all met up in Italy.) 

Watch and learn how Angel spoke to her children about her breast cancer diagnosis.

How books helped Angel’s family find reassurance

“Just like every individual is different, every child is different,” says Angel. She intuited that her children would process cancer in ways that reflect their age and understanding. But that didn’t mean she always knew the right words or how to meet them fully in that emotional space.  

Seeking support, she turned to picture books designed to help children understand a parent’s diagnosis and treatment. These resources became valuable tools, offering age-appropriate language and comforting visuals that opened the door to honest conversations. She turned to Reading for Reassurance, free books curated by LBBC to help children understand a parent’s cancer diagnosis. “Before every new stage of treatment, whether it was chemo, surgery, radiation, I’d get the books and read with them,” she says. 

On days when she was too exhausted to read aloud, her children would “picture walk” the stories themselves, flipping pages and narrating based on the illustrations. 

Learn how books can become a helpful 'third voice' during your family’s journey.

Family life during cancer treatment: No pauses for parents

Throughout treatment, Angel and her husband tried to keep daily life moving but with grace and flexibility. “Perfection was not the goal. If I didn’t have the energy to put away laundry, I’d fold it downstairs, and the kids would carry it up. If the dishes didn’t get done, they’d still be there tomorrow.”

One day when a sitter canceled, Angel had to postpone a chemotherapy infusion she’d been scheduled for. At the time, she felt anxious and worried about missing a treatment on the carefully timed schedule. But her oncologist reassured her that moving things by a day or two wouldn’t change the effectiveness. That was not the only time she had to reschedule, and she learned to trust her oncologist’s guidance, adjusting appointments through the hospital’s online system when needed and letting her team know what was going on at home.

Coordinating treatment alongside everyday parenting responsibilities meant constantly juggling shifting pieces. “We tried not to disrupt the kids’ routines as much as possible,” Angel says. “They still had sports, practices, activities.” Her husband had limited flexibility at work, so Angel handled pickups and drop-offs herself, even after infusions. Once, after rushing from treatment to collect her son from a sports-team practice, she arrived to find he was the last one there. “The coach told me they’d ended early and said, ‘If you can’t be on time, maybe you should set up a carpool,’” she recalls. “I felt awful. I never want my kids to feel like I wasn’t there because I was dealing with cancer treatment.”

For Angel, the challenging part of treatment wasn’t a single moment. It was the fact that parenting didn’t pause. “None of the other parenting stuff goes away while you're going through treatment,” she says, “You're also having to go through it while you're not feeling your best.” The dishes still needed doing. The laundry still piled up. The younger children still wanted to go to the playground. Even on days when she felt ill or fatigued, Angel still had to show up as a parent. There was no way to fully step back. She could make adjustments, ask for help when she could, and keep moving through the day. “You don’t get to just stop and heal,” she says. “You’re still doing all the things you were doing before.”

Discover how Angel coped and found ways to reset during breast cancer treatment.

Books as gifts, comfort, and connection

Recently, Angel’s husband made her a Little Free Library – a small, outdoor box where anyone can borrow or donate books -- for her birthday, and she’s filling it with children’s books for the community. “Books got us through,” she says. “They gave my children a language to talk about what was happening.”

That love of books runs deep in Angel’s family. Her mother and grandmother were both avid readers, and growing up, regular trips to the library were a treasured ritual. As a teenager, Angel would pass books back and forth with her mom and grandmother, each person marking their initials inside the covers, a tradition she still cherishes. During chemotherapy, Angel brought books or her Kindle to treatment and often read through entire infusions. She especially connected with novels by Elin Hilderbrand, a breast cancer thriver (someone living fully with or beyond breast cancer) who weaves in characters living with breast cancer into her stories.

What helped most, Angel says, was accepting that there wasn’t one “right” way to parent through cancer. “Everybody processes things their own way, and that’s okay. My job wasn’t to make it perfect. My job was to meet them where they were, over and over again.”

My tips for parenting through breast cancer

By: Angel Rinker

1. Make space for joy, even in the hardest moments

Our family loves random dance parties. We turn on music in the kitchen, the car, or out in the yard and just dance, sing, and be silly together. These were some of our lightest moments during treatment. On days I felt good, I danced with them. On tough days, I’d sit back and watch them perform for me and that joy was just as healing. One song that meant a lot to us was “I Will Carry You” by Ellie Holcomb. My daughter used to sing it to me often.

2. Connect with others who get it

Having the ability to talk to other thrivers made a huge difference for me. I started with online groups and virtual chats, then later created a local support group. Being able to talk about my cancer-specific worries with people who understood gave me a healthier outlet and helped me be more present at home. When I can process my own emotions separately, I’m better able to support my kids.

Click to learn more about LBBC’s private Facebook support groups

3. Build your child’s support system

Let your kids know who else they can turn to, whether it’s grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, teachers, or coaches. Sometimes they need someone outside the immediate family to talk to. Knowing they have a wider circle of care helps them feel more supported — and helps you breathe a little easier, too.

Learn more about caring for your child’s mental health

4. Offer outlets for kids who aren’t ready to talk

Some kids open up easily. Others might shut down or struggle to express themselves. That’s okay. Tools like a blank notebook, coloring pad, or a craft activity can offer a gentle way to process feelings. Sports and movement can help, too. Every child is different, and how they cope will be, too.

5. When kids pull away, try not to take it personally

Sometimes a child may respond to your diagnosis with distance, anger, or even blame. It hurts, but I try to remind myself it’s often a fear response. It’s “flight,” not rejection. They need reassurance, grace, and boundaries. Comfort them without letting them be mean. It’s not easy, but it helps to see their reaction through a lens of love and fear, not just behavior.

6. Plan for energy highs and lows

Chemotherapy comes in cycles, and so does energy. I planned more active outings for the days I felt strongest. On tougher days, I stocked the room with books, coloring supplies, toys, easy snacks, and a tablet to help the little ones stay safe and entertained. My youngest didn’t have the patience for TV, so I had to get creative. One mess-free favorite: “painting” with water on construction paper!

7. Give yourself your own outlets

I kept a journal, a space where I could write out my emotions without judgment. Expressive writing helped me work through my fears and thoughts, even the ones I didn’t share out loud. Whatever your outlet is, whether it's writing, talking to a friend, quiet time alone, make room for it. You matter, too.

Learn more about why self-care matters