Caring for your mental and emotional health

As a parent, you’re probably used to putting your children’s needs and well-being above your own. With a cancer diagnosis, it’s important that you find some time to care for yourself.

Many of us have heard the airplane safety announcement advising adults to put on their own oxygen masks before helping children with theirs. There’s a good lesson here: It’s impossible to support others if your own energy reserves are depleted.

Taking time to care for yourself — also known as self-care — will help you better support your children. Paying attention to your own mental, emotional, and physical health sets a great example for your kids. It gives them permission to keep doing the things they enjoy. And it will make you stronger in all areas of your life, including parenting.

What is self-care?

Self-care is any activity you take on deliberately to care for your mental, emotional, physical, and/or spiritual health.

Self-care isn’t selfish. Being mindful of your own needs and practicing self-care become even more important when you’re a parent facing cancer. Doctors’ appointments and treatment sessions are time-consuming. They can quickly fill up your schedule on top of other demands. Finding time to recharge is critical.

The term “self-care” can sound complicated and even intimidating. But it doesn’t have to be. It’s about intentionally carving out time, even in brief amounts, to take care of yourself.

This can mean:

• Scheduling time every day to relax, even for a 20-minute walk or meditation
• Engaging in activities you enjoy, such as reading, visiting with a friend, or watching a favorite show
• Spending time outdoors or enjoying nature

Self-care also means taking care of your body, which can help with recovery from treatments. This can include eating healthy foods, protecting your sleep, and practicing stress management.

You don’t have to be perfect at self-care, and you don’t have to make changes all at once. The key is to make some time for your own needs even as you’re thinking about your children.

Why self-care matters for parents

Self-care is important for anyone facing a breast cancer diagnosis. But when you have children at home, finding time for self-care can be challenging. If you’re also a single parent, you’re working, and/or you have other family responsibilities, such as caregiving for relatives, it can feel impossible to take time for yourself.

Keep in mind that you are dealing with a lot, both physically and emotionally. Taking time to care for yourself can help you manage cancer-related issues and keep them from interfering in your relationships with your children. When you pay attention to your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, meeting your own needs becomes an act of love for yourself and for those who depend on you.

Self-care can help you heal, lessen side effects, and strengthen you. Taking steps to identify and address your own needs can help ease stress and allow more energy for yourself and for your children.

Depending on your children’s ages, and whether or not you have a partner at home, you might need to ask family or friends for occasional help. If cost isn’t a barrier, you could hire a babysitter or after-school helper.

Every family is different, but this help could take the form of:

• Childcare during the day or after school, even for an hour or so
• More playdates at your children’s friends’ houses
• Homework/tutoring assistance for school-aged children or teens, if this is typically your role
• Transportation to after-school or evening activities to free you from driving

Whatever time you gain, be mindful of using at least some of it to do something you enjoy and that recharges you. It’s tempting to catch up on work and chores, but do your best to prioritize time for self-care.

Emotions and stresses you may face as a parent

Parenting with breast cancer can cause a range of emotions. It’s normal to feel worried about your children, sad for them, or angry they even have to go through this. You might feel encouraged, hopeful, or proud when you see how they respond. But it’s also possible to feel disappointed if they don’t respond how you expected them to, or if they behave as if nothing serious is happening.

It’s normal for your feelings as a parent to change as you go through treatment. It’s not uncommon to try to “power through” treatments and push down any negative emotions or thoughts. But tough emotions make caring for yourself that much more important.

Every parent is different. However, these parental concerns are a common source of stress for many:

• Telling your children about your diagnosis.
• Children’s reactions to how treatment affects you. Younger children may get sad or angry when you are too tired to play or you have to miss an event. Teens may seem indifferent to your needs and more concerned about time with friends. This can be upsetting for parents.
• Changes in family routine. It’s normal to feel guilt or frustration when doctor’s appointments, fatigue, or other treatment side effects keep you from handling activities like grocery shopping, laundry, helping with schoolwork, or attending games and performances. Other stressful situations:
  • You might feel unable to be emotionally or physically available to your children the way you were before.
  • Asking older children to help more, or relying on a babysitter to be there when you can’t, can also cause stress.
• Behavior changes in children. Children might become more clingy, avoid school, fight more often, talk back more, or act irritable.
• Your emotional and mental health and how it impacts your kids, especially if you’re experiencing intense fear, anger, or sadness.
• Difficulty asking for help from a partner, ex-partner, relatives, neighbors, or members of your spiritual community when you need assistance with childcare, schoolwork, or activities.
• Effects of financial pressures, due to lost work hours or the cost of care, on kids’ activities and expectations.
• Children’s questions about whether you might die and what would happen to them.
• Your own fears about not being there for your children or missing life milestones. Even if your prognosis is good, many people with cancer face these fears.

These feelings can be difficult, but self-care can help you manage them better.

At-home self-care strategies

There are many different ways you can build self-care into your daily routine at home.

Schedule time for yourself

Put time for yourself on your calendar throughout the week. Use it to take a break from cancer and other daily concerns, find some enjoyment, and recharge. Activities can change over time, depending on your treatment schedule, how you’re feeling, and whether you’d rather go out or stay at home.

Some ideas:

• Ask a friend or relative to take your kids for a couple of hours so you can have time alone at home to binge a new show, watch a movie, or read.
• Go to a place that brings you comfort: the movies, a coffee shop, your favorite store or boutique, a local park.
• Meet up with a friend for a meal or a walk, or have them bring lunch to you.
• Attend a community program or event that interests you, or find something offered online.
• Visit the library or a local bookstore to read a new book or magazine.
• Keep a journal, draw, or paint to express yourself.

Less important than what you do is taking some time away from cancer and family responsibilities — even for a little while.

Schedule time with your partner

If you’re in a relationship, spending time with your partner, away from children, can be a form of self-care.

If you can find childcare for young children, use the time to take a walk at a park or go out for a meal, or choose another activity that suits how you’re feeling. When you don’t have childcare, ask your partner or a relative to put young children to bed, so that you have the energy to watch a movie or favorite TV show together.

Depending on your children’s ages, older siblings may be able to watch younger siblings or take them out for an activity after school or on a weekend. This can give you and your partner time to do something relaxing and fun that isn’t about breast cancer.

Focus on healthy nutrition

Now more than ever, it’s important to nurture yourself with healthy foods that can improve your energy and help you feel stronger.

If there are times when you can’t grocery shop, make a list for a relative or friend who can help. You also can order groceries online for a friend or partner to pick up, or have them delivered to your home if this is within your budget.

Some tips:

• Look for vegetables and fruits in season, when they are most affordable and taste best. Many need no cooking — just wash them thoroughly with running water and a scrub brush, cut, and enjoy. Refrigerate for snacking or for when you feel tired. Keep no-prep foods like bananas, baby carrots, and grapes on hand for a quick snack.
• Stick with lean proteins, such as chicken, eggs, non-oily fish, and tofu instead of beef, sausage, or bacon. Avoid fried foods and greasy or high-fat dishes.
• Smoothies with low-fat milk or yogurt and fresh or frozen fruits may appeal to you if you’re having trouble eating.
• Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of water, and avoid sugary beverages.
• Limit ultra-processed foods such as chips, candy, packaged baked goods, sugary cereals, deli cold cuts, and heat-and-eat packaged dinners. Make them an occasional treat rather than a daily indulgence. There is some research to suggest that people with cancer who avoid these foods do better than those who consume diets high in ultra-processed foods.

If you’re on chemotherapy or another treatment that weakens your immune system, ask your healthcare team if they have any suggestions about foods to avoid, such as raw eggs and some types of raw fish.

Enjoying food is a form of self-care. When you feel like eating, it’s fine to have pizza or takeout night with your children. Your diet doesn’t have to be perfect, but eating nutritious foods can help you feel good and have more energy. Visit Tips for healthy eating to learn more.

Practice techniques for getting good sleep and managing stress

Sleep may sometimes be difficult, whether due to anxiety or treatment side effects. These tips may help you get the sleep you need:

• Talk with your doctor about an exercise plan that’s right for you. Regular exercise can help improve sleep and reduce stress.
• Use deep breathing techniques before bed to reduce anxiety. One technique: Inhale while counting to four, hold to a count of seven, then exhale completely. Repeat three times slowly. You can find other techniques on YouTube or on phone-based apps such as Calm and Breathwrk. Practice them so you can use them before bed.
• Avoid drinks with caffeine or alcohol within a few hours of going to bed. Also avoid chocolate, high-sugar snacks, and spicy foods.
• Stay away from your phone, TV, and computer for at least a half hour before bedtime. The light from the screen interferes with sleep cycles. If you’re using a phone-based app for relaxation, try keeping your screen out of sight by using earbuds.
• Make your bedroom dark and cool.
• Sleep alone if you have a partner who disrupts your sleep and a spare bedroom is available. But if you sleep better with a partner, that’s fine too.

Ease stress through movement activities and breathing exercises during the day, which can quiet your mind and also help you sleep better at night. For example:

• Yoga, mindfulness meditation, and other relaxation techniques help lower tension. Ask your care team if your cancer center or another local organization offers classes for people with cancer. Check YouTube as well.
• Physical activity can lift your mood. You can feel better just from walking, biking, swimming, stretching, or other gentle movement.
• Take time every day, even if only for a few minutes, to move your body and relax your breathing.

To learn more about managing stress with these and similar techniques, visit Emotional health.

Asking for help

It’s not easy to ask for help, especially if you’re used to managing lots of responsibilities independently. But as a parent with breast cancer, you won’t always be able to do everything on your own.

Asking for help can support your mental and emotional health, as well as your children’s. It can make you feel less isolated. And it will make sure your kids understand that others will be there when you can’t.

Consider the people you already have in your network: friends, relatives, work colleagues, neighbors, others in your community. Let them know what is going on. Many will offer to help, and you can be prepared with specific ideas.

If you live far away from family and friends and don’t have a strong support network, let your healthcare team know. They can put you in touch with an oncology social worker or care manager who will know what services are available in your community.

Asking school-aged children and teens to help more at home can benefit them, too. It can build their sense of maturity, responsibility, and independence. Try to make clear, specific asks for help while still keeping their lives and schedules as normal as possible. Be mindful about involving them without overburdening them.

Some tips that may be useful in getting help:

• When people say, “Let me know how I can help,” give them a specific suggestion: driving your child to school, making a meal, walking your dog, picking up items when they’re doing their own shopping. Resist saying no to offers of help.
• Ask your partner or friends for help with grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, or whatever you can’t handle on certain days.
• Involve older children and teens in meal prep, cleanup, laundry, and other household tasks. Give them options as to what they’d like to do and on what days, depending on homework and other activities. Express your appreciation when a task is done well.
• Younger children often can help with simpler tasks, such as clearing the table after meals or putting folded laundry away.
• Use a whiteboard or blackboard to place a family chore schedule in a prominent place, so everyone is clear on who is doing what on days when you may be recovering from treatment or not feeling great.
• Hire some household help, even temporarily, if your budget allows.

Finding social and emotional support

Connecting with other parents going through breast cancer can be another form of self-care. Sharing experiences and hearing others’ advice may help you feel less alone and better able to handle emotional stress. This, in turn, can equip you to help your children through a challenging time.

Ask your healthcare team where you might find support groups with others in your situation, or how you can connect with individual parents who have been through breast cancer. Trusted friends, members of your spiritual community, or a local breast cancer organization may know of parents who are willing to talk.

• Support groups take many different forms. They might meet online, in-person, and even by phone.
  • Groups form around different topics and may or may not have a professional group leader. Some are run by peers who don’t have formal training.
  • You may be more comfortable with one group or format. Try attending a few times before deciding if the group is right for you.
• Online communities can help you forge virtual connections with other parents affected by breast cancer.
  • Options include private Facebook groups as well as discussion boards hosted by breast cancer nonprofits and cancer-related organizations such as SmartPatients and the American Cancer Society.
  • They give you access to support when you don’t live near a support group or other affected parents, and/or you can’t fit a regular meeting into your schedule.

If you want to talk to a peer who has been through breast cancer while raising kids, reach out to LBBC’s Helpline at (888) 753-LBBC (5222). A trained volunteer can speak to you about their experience and give advice.

For more information about self-care, visit our page on methods of self-care to deal with stress and anxiety.

When to seek professional help

Even if you practice self-care, it’s possible to feel intense stress or sadness, or experience negative thoughts and feelings that don’t go away.

If these emotions get in the way of your parenting, home life, or work life, ask your healthcare team to connect you with an oncology social worker, psychologist, therapist, or other mental health professional. Some of these professionals specialize in helping people with cancer and other serious illnesses.

Many people — not just those facing cancer — seek help from a mental health professional for a range of reasons. Professional counselors or therapists can:

• Listen to your thoughts and feelings in a confidential setting, with empathy and without any judgment
• Provide insight into your distress
• Guide you toward solutions

You can decide to talk with a counselor on your own or have sessions that include your partner or children.

Talking with a mental health professional gives you the freedom to say whatever is on your mind and trust they have expertise to support you through your experience. When you talk with family and friends, it’s normal to worry about causing them distress. And sometimes, it can feel like they cannot completely understand what you are experiencing.

Many people find that professional counseling eases anxiety and depression and helps them feel supported at a stressful time.

Health insurance sometimes covers part or all of the cost of seeing a mental health professional. If a mental health professional does not take insurance, ask about a sliding scale rate.

If you are part of a spiritual community, you may find valuable support through one-on-one counseling with a faith leader or by engaging in community activities.

For more guidance, visit our page on seeing a professional.